A couple of nights ago, I was celebrating the first day of a well-needed vacation and decided to have a beer. I am not a great drinker (I usually fall asleep well before I get drunk) but I do like a nice dark stout so I made a sandwich and had a beer. Within an hour, I was so dizzy that I had to lay down. When I (sort of sheepishly) told my best friend about this the next day he put his hand on my shoulder and said, “You know, Jamie, you are rather tightly wound. Maybe you should take it slow on the ‘unwinding’.”
OK, I admit it! I have a hard time slowing down! I am so full of work and activity that the idea of relaxing has to be scheduled in and, of course, relaxing as a task on a list is no relaxing at all. Still, I do have some distant memory of a time when my day was not packed from wake up to fall asleep.
To be honest, it is not the the stuff I have to do, anyway. I have long ago made peace with the fact that my to-do list is infinite and I can only, at best, gain a little ground. At least at this point in my life I do not have any expectations of besting it. No, it is not the list of tasks; it is my brain. That is the great over-achiever in my life or, at least the motivator to do more, think more, organize more, remember more…you get the picture.
The trick is how to turn off my brain before it knows it and fights back. I have not yet achieved meditative states, so I have to resort to the homemade versions. Because, in truth, I love doing nothing. It is both calming and rejuvenating, and I need it like chocolate. So here are some of the ways…
I stare. I love to stare. In the morning when I wake up if I am still in that hypnogogic state, I stare out the window. I let my imagination off its leash and it sniffs everywhere, pulling me along without effort. It is my favorite ride, and the only danger is if I start thinking about it; then I crash back to reality. But any day that starts with this precious few moments of staring has promise.
I take a bath. Although I never minded baths as a kid I fell out of the habit when I became an adult. When we moved into a new house and remodeled our bathroom, the idea came to me that we could put a large tub in there, and from that moment on I was back in bath-world. For me, there is something about taking a bath. I bring books and pads of paper (in case that elusive first line of the great american short story I am about to write finally comes to me). I bring cold water and my husband often will bring me a little plate of cookies or cheese and crackers. You might think that with all that stuff I am doing anything but nothing and, of course, on one level you would be right. But remember it is my brain that is the culprit, and it seems to know that there is no point in pestering me while I am in the bath because…I’m in the bath! What can I do? So it quiets down a bit and lets me read and snooze (I just about always fall asleep) and stare and just lay there. I am in the bath. That is enough of a thing, I don’t need to do any more.
I light a fire and burn papers. This, actually, is just a variation on staring. OK, maybe a shredder would be more responsible, but I keep a basket of papers to burn and then I go outside at night and burn them in the Weber. There is almost nothing quite so satisfying as burning papers and staring at the fire you are feeding. I play with different ways of putting in the paper: crumpled up, long and tube-like, little shreds…some even burn in different colors. And that added bonus of the cold night behind me with the warm fire in front of me is just too perfect.
I pet my cat. Yeah, I am a sucker for my cat who I am convinced is an enlightened being. She knows EXACTLY how to do nothing, and seems to have no problem balancing her life. As a matter of fact, if I could just follow her around and do what she does I would have a perfect life: eat when I am hungry, drink when I am thirsty, and find the best place to be not-too-warm and not-too-cold. And she is so responsive to pets (she curls, licks my hand, arches, scrunches, stretches, purrs…) that there is great entertainment value for me, too. Five minutes of petting my cat is a five minute vacation from my brain.
Maybe, someday, I will be able to calm my mind by meditating or doing some other disciplined practice. But in the meantime, these brief moments of doing nothing feed me for all the rest of the moments when I am doing something.